A Tentative Trust

If I had to characterize the past few months I would have to say they've been defined by the gradual renewal of a tentative trust. That trust is a fragile thing, I'll admit. I don't know how well it would hold up in the face of a big blow, but at least there is a trust there and steps are being taken forward.

Time and distance from the painful events that sparked this journey have helped to ease the anger and pain, and they've given me the opportunity to see how God's hand was in it all and how His purpose was guiding and driving even the most painful things that seemed like they would capsize me. I've been rather amazed to see how He's taken "that which was meant for evil" (or rather that which looked like disaster) and turn it into the catalyst for a much greater blessing or provision. And as I've seen Him do so, my broken trust is slowly beginning to reach out it's fearful hand toward Him and hope that I can find refuge.

Along with that trust is coming a desire to get to know Him again. It's hard, though. There's a fragility inside me that shrinks away from my traditional background. Those truths seem so very harsh, and I fear getting too close to them because they might shatter me. I even tried going back to church but found I wasn't quite ready. In truth, I started to panic and left the building before the service even started. Who ever thought I would be afraid to go to church? LOL. Oddly enough, I'm not afraid of God. I'm just terrified of His people and their institutions. And while many of my beliefs have changed or been "tweaked", so much of that foundation has remained rock solid. I question the things that don't resonate with me, I wrestle with the teachings that seem harsh to my heart, but the fundamental core has remained unshaken. I still believe in God. I still believe in Jesus, and I believe in His teachings, even though I may wrestle with the teachings of His followers. I have no doubt whatsoever in Jesus as my Savior. I know I'm a sinner, and I know it is His sacrifice, His love, that will save me from myself and make me into the woman He created me to be. My "theology" is, for the most part, pretty much the same. Being open to hear others hasn't turned me into a melting pot for any and every belief that appeals to me. That's rather reassuring. I feel as though He has held onto me. And I'm starting to feel Him calling me back, though back to what I'm not sure. So perhaps "Hosea" will come after "Gomer" after all, and it will be very interesting to see what their relationship looks like in the end. Certainly nothing like what it was, but perhaps more real, more true, more interconnected and more intimate. Perhaps more fulfilling. Perhaps what it always should have been. Perhaps.

I revisited "The Shack" a few weeks ago and felt that He said something to me. In the main character's first interaction with God, Sarayu (the Holy Spirit character) brushes his tears into a little bottle, telling him that everyone collects things they value, and she values tears. I've always loved that imagery from the Old Testament, God keeping our tears in a bottle. And I felt in my heart that he said to me, "Your pain matters to me." Even now, that simple sentence makes my eyes tear up. My pain, however small and however large, matters to Him. My brokenness, carried so deeply for so many years, matters to Him. And He understands why I left. He understands why I couldn't go on in that way anymore, desperately trying to salvage my sinking boat by tossing out buckets of water.

So here we are. Moving forward. It's probably pretty laughable if you could see it in a spiritual sense - my tentative, fearful steps and His gentle coaxing. What is there to be afraid of? And yet I'm afraid. But the trust has been reestablished, even if only a little. And little by little, I'm taking baby steps back toward my God.