Toward Forgiveness

A while back I wrote a post regarding the struggle I was having to forgive some of the folks who have deeply wounded me in the past year. While the situation doesn't dominate my thoughts, it is a matter on ongoing prayer for me, mainly because even once a person has made the choice to forgive, the feelings of forgiveness do not always follow and the desire to "have the last word" or witness some type of "poetic justice" is a hard one to shake. I don't want to be that kind of person. I need forgiveness from God too much to go around withholding it from others, and I'm not keen on the idea of carting around those ugly, bitter feelings indefinitely. Despite my decision to let go of the past and forgive, though, I haven't figured out how to root those ugly feelings out.

Last night I made some progress toward my goal, however, and it came in the most unexpected of ways, proving that our Bible school jokes about God speaking through asses (e.g. Balaam's donkey) were more truth than fiction. I went to see Hamlet 2 with some friends of mine, and I must warn you that if you are sensitive to religious humor that is somewhat sacreligious, this isn't the film for you. It was funny as all hell, but it wasn't all that respectful. It inspired some pretty thought provoking things for me though. In the play that is performed in the film, Hamlet must come to a place where he forgives his father, inspired of course by a modernized "sexy Jesus." (Told you it wasn't respectful!) Something Jesus says to Hamlet really hit me between the eyes. He remarked that He understood how Hamlet felt about his father because Jesus' Father had forsaken Him too. The play ends with Hamlet forgiving his father and Jesus saying to His Father, "Father, I forgive you."

It's a pretty provoking thought when you consider it. Did Jesus have to forgive His Father for forsaking Him when He was on the cross? I'm not really sure. My well concealed conservative side would say no, and that side of me is probably right, but it's an intriguing idea. What must Jesus have felt when, as a perfectly innocent man, His Father abandoned Him at the darkest moment of His life? Did He understand? Despite that understanding, did He feel betrayed?

Thinking on these things opened up my old wounds. I don't want to dig into details, but in my situation the people I viewed as my mentors, friends and "spiritual parents" chose to handle a choice I made in a certain way. I've said more than once that it wasn't the decisions they made that caused the deep wounds; it was the feeling that I was abandoned in a time of need - in essence, betrayed. I trusted these people implicitly and absolutely, and I had always believed that if I made a big mistake they would be there for me. Of course, they would say that they were, but the truth is they were only willing to be there for me as long as I did things their way. They had mapped out the course they wanted me to take, and when I wasn't able or willing to deal with the issue that way, they cast me off like a piece of worthless shit. When I admitted that I was broken and couldn't emotionally handle the sermonizing, I was simply ignored.

It is that feeling of betrayal and abandonment that has been at the root of my struggle to experience the feelings of forgiveness, however committed I am to my choice to let it go. But what the "sexy Jesus" said really brought some things into perspective. I had never considered what He might have felt after being abandoned by His Father. Perhaps, like me, He could rationally look at the situation and say, "I understand and I'm not angry about the decision. He did what He had to do." But despite rational thought, perhaps there was some emotional, irrational corner of His heart that said, "Why? Why did you abandon me? Why did you walk away when I needed you? Why weren't you willing to fight for me?" He probably didn't. Jesus' understanding is so far beyond my limited understanding that I'm sure He didn't need to "forgive" His Father for forsaking Him, but just knowing that He had been forsaken by His Father opened something deep up in me and started to release some things.

Just like Jesus, I was forsaken by my "spiritual" father and mother. He was forsaken because of the sins of others; I was forsaken for my own sins. But He understands that. He knows what it feels like, and just knowing that He gets that makes me feel a bit less bitter and veangeful. It's not a cure all yet. There's still some sour spots in my heart, but I'm moving closer to forgiveness.