Playing "Twenty Questions" with God

I mentioned in my last posting that I’ve really begun to talk some things over with God, and I want to explore a little more of what that has entailed. I think all of my questions are meaningful, but perhaps the most emotionally charged has been “Why? Why did you hold me at arms length for so many years? Why did you stand back and deny me the wholeness I begged for? Why didn’t you fill the aching longing I brought you?”

I’ve shared in previous posts that I have felt little traditional guilt over having shared myself physically with two different men over the course of two relationships. But where traditional guilt has been lacking, I have instead felt a deep grief over this. It’s not an emotion I live with day in and day out, but it certainly does surface from time to time, and when it does, it does so with a vengeance. (Honestly, I’m beginning to believe that this grief I have felt is far closer to true conviction and the way God deals with our hearts than the Fundy version of guilt we’re all so fond of.)

I found myself sitting at the kitchen table just last week having this “Why?” conversation with God and finding that my eyes were filling with tears as that grief welled up again. I found myself saying, “I don’t blame you for my choices, but we both have to admit that I would probably never have made those choices if you had responded to me a little more often all those years.”

It’s an interesting paradox I find myself in. As I said, there is that deep grief, but it is so very strange to experience that grief without an accompanying sense of guilt, and honestly, for a former Fundy that’s more than a bit disturbing. It also leads me to one of the many questions I’ve been asking lately. Why was this wrong? (Joanna, if you still check in and read this blog, please don’t freak out. LOL.) But honestly, that’s a question I’ve really wrestled with. Why was it wrong or sinful for me to give myself to someone? Now, of course, I can give you good theological answers, and those answers make sense. For starters, however elementary the answer may be, it’s wrong because God says it’s wrong. It’s a very simplistic answer, and I think that a searching mind will ultimately be dissatisfied with something of that nature. I can accept it on one level because I believe God has more than arbitrary reasons for the things He commands. I also get the idea that the Bible teaches that when a man and woman share sexual intimacy it goes far beyond a mere physical encounter. The Bible would teach that it actually creates a spiritual union, and though it may not feel like it in the moment of passion, you can see or sense that union as time goes on. There is a strange connection you feel with a person that can’t be explained by other means, and perhaps part of God’s commandment is an attempt to protect us from the terrible pain we feel when the relationship ends and we must try to sever this bond.

But despite all of this, I am looking for an answer because on an emotional level it doesn’t make sense to me. I wrestle with the thought that God says I’m not to give myself to a guy, especially when I may be committed to him, care about him deeply, and sincerely desire to express that care in a physical way. And yet I’m not supposed to do that until the two of us have publicly said words of commitment and signed a paper that says we will file joint tax returns till death. (I’m not in any way devaluing marriage, by the way. I greatly value marriage and the statement that it makes and all that it is and stands for.)

All of this is so challenging. The theological side of me gets it, but the emotional side doesn’t. It’s very frustrating, and so it’s one of the questions I’ve really been bringing to Him lately. And here’s another that will stir the pot. What’s wrong with being gay?

Yeah, I know. I really crossed the line there. But before you lose yourself in outrage, take a second and listen to me. I don’t need you to give me the theological reasons. I understand them very well. What I’m wrestling with is what I feel in my heart now that I actually know some gay people and have seen how beautiful and loving they are. I get the whole idea that what they are doing is a perversion of God’s system and setup. I get the idea that it just seems wrong from a physiological perspective, that it doesn’t seem to fit in with the natural order. I don’t need anyone to preach me that sermon, so please, if you feel so inspired, I'd rather you didn't. You aren't going to say anything I don't already know. But I struggle with the knowledge that some people truly do have these feelings from a young age, that not every gay man was sexually abused by another man, that most people would probably not “choose” to be gay because why on earth would anyone want to put up with the shit that most gay people deal with?

So I’m asking God… explain this to my heart. My head gets it. My heart doesn’t. I need my heart to understand. It’s not that I’m challenging God and demanding that He answer to me. I just honestly don’t get it, and I need to and want to.