Fighting to Forgive

I used to think of myself as a very forgiving person, but I think that was partially because I had never really been deeply hurt by someone I trusted. That's not to say I hadn't been hurt, but I had never had the kind of wound that cut so deeply that it made it difficult for me to let go and move on. I don't think of myself as a very forgiving person anymore.

This has been on my mind this week because a very close friend recently dealt me a blow that I'm having difficulty processing or understanding, and this is making it very difficult to let go and forgive. For reasons my heart can't really understand, one of my best friends - someone who had always told me I'd be her maid of honor - chose to get married last weekend without inviting me to the ceremony. In fact, I wouldn't have even known of her engagement had her mother not called me to talk over her concerns about the relationship. If we'd had a fight or a falling out, or even if I'd expressed my concerns about her choice of boyfriends, I could understand her decision, but none of those things happened. Instead, she just disappeared and stopped answering my calls. I know from others that she's not angry with me, and without sharing too much of her personal situation, I know I can fairly say that I haven't given her any reason to do this. But she's chosen to do it, all the same, and because I feel like the innocent party in the situation, I'm having a very difficult time forgiving. In fact, I"m downright pissed off. She knows I'm upset, but she hasn't chosen to call me, and truthfully, that's probably a good thing. I fear if she calls too soon, I'll say things that will hurt her and do more harm than good.

Forgiveness is one of those things that's central for the Christ follower, which is why this is something I'm trying to explore. For us, everything hinges on forgiveness because Jesus says you can't be forgiven if you don't forgive, and I think that's only fair. So someone like me who desperately needs all the forgiveness and grace God has to give on a daily basis can't afford to hang on to the hurt. Sounds great on paper, but in real life it's far more complicated.

I wish I could say I had this figured out, but this is the second really deep wound I've taken from a close friend in the past year, and I haven't done so well at forgiving the first, let alone dealing with this second incident. I've found that most things are easy for me to forgive, but when someone I love and trust makes me feel betrayed, abandoned and disowned... well, those things strike at really vulnerable spots. I think, in a way, that's why I'm angry at Fundamentalism, and even, at times, at Fundamentalists.

When you invest yourself in someone or something without reserve, you put yourself at great risk for pain. When you love, it's a gamble. That's not to say it isn't worth it when it pays off, but when it doesn't... let's just say it's easy to understand why some people close themselves off.

The first deep wound I mentioned came from a friend in whom I had wholly invested myself. She was a girlfriend, a leader, a mentor, and a spiritual parent, and because I loved her so much, I invested my hopes, my dreams, my support, and my love in her. The details of what happened between us aren't important here, and I'm no longer angry at her for the decisions she made. In fact, the only thing I can say about the situation is "Thank God I got out when I did." But what did make me angry, what stabbed so painfully and still gets to me when I let myself think on it, is the feeling of betrayal and abandonment, the sense that after I gave so much of my heart and strength for something that mattered to her, she could leave me behind. No parent would disown a son or daughter for making a mistake, but it would seem that a "spiritual parent" can and will. And it is this issue that lies at the crux of my distaste for Fundamentalism.

On the whole, Fundies aren't very good at understanding grace the way I'm coming to understand it. Now, granted, there are some who get it more than others, but even they have their limits. Within Fundy-ism there are lots of sins you can commit, but most of them can be forgiven and forgotten. Some sins - I like to call them "the big 5" - can't. Or perhaps I should say they can, but the Fundies don't give you any room to do battle with them. Their solution is to repent, cut off and move on. Let's do a comparison to illustrate. Homosexuality - actually any sexual sin - is one of those "big 5" sins for Fundies. (Believe it or not, I've even known some who thought it to be the dreaded "unforgiveable sin." Pure bullshit!) Gluttony is a sin, but it's one that most Fundies "wink" at. In the Fundy church, the glutton can struggle for years with overeating and sloth. The glutton can repent and re-fall every day. The glutton can diet and do well for a season and then backslide and give up for a season and still be forgiveable and live without the added guilt and shame of being a "sinner." Most Fundies won't even think twice about the glutton's sinful behavior. In fact, they don't even view it as sinful. And the glutton can be looked to by the church as a "godly" man or woman.

Switch gears now and look at the homosexual or the person who commits a sexual sin. Now we're in totally different territory. The sexual sinner dare not re-commit his or her sin. The sexual sinner isn't allowed to do well for a season and then backslide or give up for a season. If he does, he never really repented. He's unspiritual. He's in danger of the fires of hell. And you can bet your ass that the Fundy church will heap guilt, condemnation and disapproval on the trespasser's head. If the sexual sinner slips up, he or she has clearly fallen far from God and is most decidedly not a "godly" man or woman. I've known numerous overweight and even morbidly obese pastors who have clearly been living in unbridled sin for a number of years, but they are loved and respected and considered "godly" by their congregations, despite their unfortunate weaknesses. If those same men, or another pastor altogether, happened to commit a sexual sin - even once - they would be run out of town in disgrace - judged, despised and gossipped about

It is this kind of hypocrisy that reallly pisses me off in Fundy-ism, and it is this hypocrisy that I have to fight to forgive. I've been both of those sinners. For years I struggled with gluttony. In all that time, I was acceptable. If I blew it and downed 8 cookies in one sitting, I could just repent and try again the next day. I still got to be godly, and people still looked up to me as a model of heartfelt devotion to God. Then, after years of walking a very straight and careful line, I let down my guard and had sex with a guy I was dating. Whole different story. Suddenly, there were "steps to be taken toward freedom." I had committed one of the "big 5," and the fact that I'd only screwed up once (or twice) didn't matter. (As a side note, another thing that baffles me in the Fundy church is how they automatically assume that the person who screws up once with sexual sin had to fall really far from God to do it. Most of these people have had "godly" sex themselves, so they should know how easy it is to get from kissing to "Oh my God, why are my clothes all the way over there and what did we just do?" Despite this, however, and despite the story of David in the Bible, the belief persists that the sexual sinner has been backsliding for a long time. This David I mention just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. The Bible doesn't say anything about how his heart wandered from God before he caught an eyeful of his married neighbor taking a bath and had her over for a little tea and adultery later that night. In fact, I'd be willing to bet he was up on that roof working on another psalm of praise to God. Let me tell you folks, the road to sin is really short, and it includes all sins, not a select few that require a serious turning of the back toward God to commit. I'm not sure if it's fear, ignorance, or self-righteous pride that makes Fundies think otherwise, but they might find themselves guilty of judgment toward others a lot less often if they didn't assume that they, in their highly spiritually mature state, could never share in the shameful failings of their brother and sister vagabonds.)

No one insisted that I get accountability or go into counseling in all the years I struggled with gluttony. I committed that sin thousands of times, but people seemed to understand that it was a tough weakness to overcome and I wasn't any less of a Christian because I hadn't mastered it yet. I committed a sexual sin, though, and I was seriously in the dog house. There was no room for the possibility that I might struggle long into the future with my sexual desires. There was no room for me to screw up again, as there'd been when my sin was merely one of eating too big a portion at dinner. I had "disgraced" myself. I had been "defiled." And unlike the glutton, I could be tempted, but woe unto me if I should fall again. Sex just isn't one of those sins you're allowed to struggle with and still be a-okay with God.

Now it might sound like I'm making light of my wrong choices, but I'm not. I'm merely illustrating one of the ways in which Fundy-ism is WAY out of balance. Fundies (or at least most Fundies) say that all sins are equal in God's eyes; they just forget to add the disclaimer that in the eyes of His devoted followers, some sins are far worse than others. The fact is, all sinners should be treated the same. Either the sexual sinner should be given the same grace and understanding as the glutton, or the glutton should be dealt with at the same severity level as the sexual sinner. It's not fair to give one kind of sinner a free pass while shaming another kind of sinner. If the sexual sinner isn't allowed the grace of multiple screw-ups before he or she overcomes, the glutton shouldn't get those second chances either. See what I mean?

Now I understand that there are differences between these two types of sin, but I also know that this kind of hypocrisy deeply wounds people. And I do understand why this hypocrisy exists, but that's subject matter for another post.

Becoming Gomer has many dangers, not the least of which is the anger and hurt a person has to struggle with once they get out from under the thumb of the Fundies. And because I invested myself so fully in Fundy-ism, experiencing its harsher side has felt like the deepest of betrayals. But hey, at least it's an "equal opportunity judgment" kind of religion.