Technically True?

I'm going to do a lot of exploring of thoughts and ideas here, if for no other reason because I need a place to sort through all the thoughts and ideas that crowd my head. And I'm going to challenge a lot of the Fundy foundation I was given practically from infancy. That doesn't mean I don't like the Fundies. Taken on an individual basis, most of them are wonderful, caring, well-meaning people. I know this because I was the poster girl for Fundamentalism. The crazy thing about it is you can't really see it honestly from the inside. You have to step outside it to see it for what it really is, and when you do, the truth of it makes you cringe and wish you could forever cut yourself off from even the slightest association with anything that smacks remotely of "Fundy." (If you ever see the movie "Saved" you'll understand why I cringe to be identified with them. Well meaning people, but OY! I literally had to almost turn the movie off because it was so hard to watch Fundamentalism in action from the outside and see it for what it is.)

In a way, I think that's a tragedy because in a technical sense, the Fundies have a lot of things right. They just don't have it right. Sounds like I'm contradicting myself, but I'm really not. It's like putting a painting in front of a bunch of people and asking them to describe it. If these people are Fundies, they'll tell you which colors were used - Ochre #3, Salmon #13, Magenta #7. They'll tell you about techniques and brush strokes, making sure to add the dimensions and perhaps even a list of the elements that can be viewed in the piece. Technically they're right, but from the perspective of the soul, they've missed the point entirely. They don't really see the painting at all; they haven't perceived the beauty or the art, just the technical details. Translate that to religion and you get people who have very good theology. They'll look at the concept of God and the truths contained in religion and give you a catechism that's flawless, but they're missing the point. Take that to a real world realm where people struggle with deep issues and temptations they can't overcome, and a Fundy will give that person a technically correct response with an appropriate accompanying action (some kind of self-discipline) and expect the problem to be solved like magic. They'll quote you all the (very true) scripture verses related to that sin in particular, as well as sin in general, and warn you to deal with this seriously because God doesn't allow people who indulge the flesh into heaven, but they won't really let you talk and share and explore and take your journey. They want to help you be holy instead of letting God do what He does best in the time and way He sees as appropriate. And most of them will read this description of Fundy-ism and say, "Boy, is that ever true. I know so many churches like that. Thank God I've been delivered to see the truth." And the ones most certain of their ability to see are generally the people most blind to their own inability to see the art because they get lost in the technical details - all true, but all far short of the painting.

Of course, not all Fundies are like this. Saying that would be like saying that all poor people steal or all men are pigs or all women are shallow. You can't make a blanket statement and expect it to be true. What is true, however, is that Fundamentalism, as a movement, is very much like this, and because of this failing, they do a lot of damage to a lot of people - many who are Fundies themselves. And if anyone knows this, it's me.

Now to be fair, I probably have more responsibility for the wounds in my soul than anyone, because like any good Fundy, I tore myself to pieces for every weakness in my life, whether real or imaginary. I was so busy trying to be good - and all from a genuinely good motive - that I never let myself make a mistake big enough to have a real understanding of what it means to need grace. I was so concerned about black and white that I didn't really see how much grace there is in the gray. Now, black and white are very blurred for me. In fact, I'm in a place where some things I know to be clearly stated as "black" don't seem "black" at all. They seem gray, at best. And admittedly, I'm swinging far to the other side of the pendulum in this season of my life. I was so far the other direction for so long that coming into a place of real wholeness and balance is really pushing me beyond a lot of boundaries, particularly mentally, I never thought I'd get close to. But what I'm really trying to do is see the painting. I'm not denying that the technical details are true. Can't argue with those. I'm just trying not to see them, because until I can stop detailing the technical stuff, I'll never see the painting. And the thing I most deeply want, the thing I've always wanted, is to see the glory and the beauty and the art. I want my soul to perceive these things. And in order to do that, I have to blur some of those technicalities. I have to step back from some of those black and whites and get a fresh look at this whole thing.

Part of me hopes that my old Fundy friends and "acquaintances" (sorry, personal joke!) never read this. If they do, they'll be terrified for me and probably go into all night prayer and fasting for God to rip me from the clutches of Satan and bring me safely back to the fold. But God save me, I never want to be the Fundy girl I used to be again. I hope I never go back. The truth was I got tired of living with the hope that unfulfilled longings would somehow be met. I got tired of trusting in promises that weren't becoming reality. It's not that I don't believe in those things, but I think I was trying to reach them in the wrong way. And I'm now beginning to think that I never will know them without becoming Gomer and really knowing what it means to be her.

But back to my other thought... I think my poor Fundy friends are safe from all these "heretical" and "backslider" thoughts of mine. Most of them disappeared from my life pretty damn quickly when I stopped going to their church. Of course, if I should ever darken their doors again - and I don't intend to - they'll welcome me with open arms, ask me what's going on in my life and where I'm going to church, tell me they're concerned for me. And they will sincerely mean it. But none of them will really understand what it's like to walk this road in search of God until they stop trusting in Fundy ways and start looking for Jesus outside them. And doing that, as crazy as it sounds, is actually something that can only happen if you are graced by God.

I don't know one Fundy who would say that my relationship with A and the aftermath of it were gifts of grace, but the truth is they were. I'm not saying God wanted everything to happen that happened, but I am saying that He knew I needed to become Gomer so I could, for the first time, understand in an experiential sense, not merely a technical sense, what it means to be rescued and pursued and wanted by God. I asked Him for real intimacy, authenticity, and the ability to relate to people who don't know Him. And though I'm farther from some of those things than I've ever been, I'm also closer than I've ever been because for the first time in my life I've left home instead of staying and hoping things will change. I've cast the die and placed my bet. I've taken a chance to find out if Hosea will really come through for me like He said He would. Sometimes, the quickest way home is found in running away from home.